giving yOu Up

aku nyerah aja
sama kekerasan hatimu
sama kekeras kepalaanmu
sama kebohonganmu
sama harapan kosongmu
sama semuanya
sama nature-mu
yang menunjukkan bahwa kau bisa tanpa siapapun
bahkan aku

aku nyerah aja
sama kekerasan hatiku
sama kekeras kepalaanku
sama kepercayaanku padamu
sama kebodohanku yg percaya padamu
sama semuanya
aku gak bisa tanpamu
tapi lebih ga bisa bersamamu yang bisa tanpaku

what hurt me the most is
why those words of love and lies
escape as easy from yr lips.
altogether

uh no
i'm gunna cry for more

must end this soap opera

better turn on the music channel

oh my favorite song!
oh my friend calls
oh yes. i have friends,
life,
i earn money,
i can spend it!
i can write,
i have to fight for my dream!

yeah. things i forgot when i'm busy asking
whether you're in to me or not.

mumble jumble

ho ho ho

benci kamu!

asu!
su a
u as
asu!

kesseeeeelllll!!!!!

kesel
keles
lesek


hufff

iseng amat!

benci kamu!

one life time

One life time when we can never ask ourselves why why why...
When we became the strangest thing we can never understand
And one life time when we kept on asking why n never reveal but can never stop makin mistake while we know its a mistake

One time in life when we lost the control of our own heartbeat, life, soul, pride, dignity, touch, solitude, warmth, peaceful, mind, power to our tears...

One life time,when we found ourselves foolishly in love to someone who's there,tellin ourselves that they care but they never do
That they've just learn loving us when we're an expert
When we can never simply walk out just because we love them.
Too much.

he, who keeps me alive

i always believe in soulmate
mates that inside-out become the place i can turn my soul to
mate that i can always write to, talk to, share with
mate that stays no matter what
mate that i find no worry though they no longer appear in our sight
mate that i believe would think the same thing of what i think

tapi aku sudah tebentur beberapa kali
idealisme mengenai soulmate-ku perlahan meluntur mengikuti perkembangan realitas
what is soulmate?

when you turn 25, ada banyak sekali hal yang terlintas di otak manusia pada umumnya
they called it logic
and the idealism about what soulmate is then became no longer a subject of life
to me, (should be) too.
i try to care no more about what soulmate is
i care no more whether God has time or not to match one to another
in fact, i met many spinster
a lost soul that finally being all alone because they are too ideal about who's the one
in fact, if it always God's privilages (d i spell it correct?), could we ever know?
in fact, when we believe that some one is made for us because we love them so bad
would they, who we're in love with, think the same thing as we do when they don't (in love with us)?

being 26 and alone is never easy
i met people who love me, well, one or two
but i don't find them as mine
and i, too, found love
yet, they don't find me as theirs
how complicated, how hard, how thoughtful life is when we're broken hearted
hu huuuu
i'm gonna cry
i always cry, i'm a crying woman

then soulmate, at the end, was only a word that humanize us
a word that keeps us thinking as a human
sebutan yang kemudian membuatku merasa nyaman merangkai kata2 yang sarat akan kegelisahan
dan menjadi topik yang menyenangkan untuk didiskusikan tengah malam dengan seorang kawan
sebutan yang kemudian hari kuharap akan kulupakan
sebuah kata yang suatu hari akan kutinggalkan maknanya demi untuk seorang suami dan beberapa anak.
demi sebuah realita yang jauh lebih bermakna
well, what soulmate is, or the right one is, when we can never touch their heart?
when we can never be with them?
when we find ourselves all alone at the end just because we love them?
it means nothing.

i wish i could
i wish i could be a human as normal
i wish i could be ana, rosi, nita, dita, mia, gita, pia, iyem, karti, uci, aci, u'ut, etc..
and stop thinking that i were iskula
i wish i could dig a ten feet hole and burry iskula deep down
to give Ratih a big space to control herself
to have a husband and kid
to earn money for unborn musa and maryam
to cook meal for their daddy
to hold a healty house and spend weekend in the living room telling the kid that homer simpson is not cool at all
to share the empty side of my bed with someone who's faithful
to someone that i finally in love because he's fithful
to someone who keeps me alive with their faithfulness

God please...
send me a man who's faithful
send me him, who i love til i hurt my heart
to be the man who's faithful and ready to share the side of his bed with me
only me!

Rembulan Kecil

for dearest soulmate
huu huuuu
paman hani,
you're always live in my heart...

REMBULAN KECIL

(pour petite Kim)
I

biar tiga rembulan padam
satu sisa berpendar diapung awan
pada sejuta layang bintang-bintang
mencermin pada seri bunga kanigara
membias hingga dinding rumah serangga

biar tiga rembulan padam
satu sisa kuelus di ubun-ubunmu

pantaran, samedi soir le 21 oct 2000

II

engkau melaju di liuk lembah malam
menari di ujung-ujung pijar lilin
berlari di ujung-ujung beku batu

berhentilah, Kim...
berdiamlah kembali
di lingkar rembulan

pantaran, samedi soir le 21 oct 2000




III

rasa itu...
... pecah, menusuk bumi
di liang-liang kecewa

rasa itu...
...datang, larut dan punah
dilebur gerimis perak
bisu dan beku
terkubur diketiak batu-batu

rasa itu...
... senyap
disekap ngarai gulita
pagar ruang waktu
mengikat ringkukmu
yang tiduri kali

sementara...
kunang-kunang terjaga
membuka gerbang batas mimpi
menganyam permadani
membangun lintasan dua tepi
menuju taman lembah para peri

dan kau...
terpasung sepi
...

banaran, lundi apres-midi le 23 oct 2000

When a cup of coffee and a cigar are no longer helpful, all we need is a friend... and a credit card… Aku sudah lelah mencari. Aku ingin duduk berdampingan denganmu melewatkan tahun ke empat puluh sambil membiarkan udara yang membisikkan cinta, bukan lagi bibirku. Aku bosan duduk seorang diri. Aku lelah sendirian. Aku ingin berkawankan seseorang yang adalah kau. Ajaklah aku berkawan denganmu sampai mati.

Oh I love you

oh i drink you like a cup of milk choco
though i don't travel the whole world
i know that you're milked from the best cow
and i love love love the flavour

oh your love is like a trampoline
jump me to the sky and gasp me on the air
once i thought i'll loose my self i'm gonna cry
but your arms is a gravity i always fall back in

and your words are dancing on my eyes
your smiles are picturing the whole day
your kisses keeping me alive
while your song is a warmest lullaby

oh im crazy crazy crazy over you
once i started to think there's no heart to turn to
there i saw you, watching at the falling leaves on june
turning your back and turning my life up-side down

i love you love you love you!